Photo by Susan Arian

I have written so many drafts for this entry. I am juggling topics I want to share with you, but I want this to be something you can know about me—of who I am deep down, beyond just the smiles on my face.

You don’t know how much I bring myself down. With every laugh I show, the smile I give—it never accounts for the punishment I give myself.

It’s hard for me to recognize the right decisions I’ve made, but it’s quite easy for me to nitpick small mistakes or choices. Once that happens, everything goes downhill. I lose it. I cry until I’m done. I panic. I get overwhelmed. I think about everything all at once. I never accept that what I’m feeling is valid, because I keep thinking everything is my fault. I impulsively act and speak based on my emotions, which never turns out well for me.

I’m learning everything the hard way. And even though I’m still in my 20s—young and free—the amount of pressure I put on myself is beyond, and I know that.

It hurts in every way because I care.

People might say, “You haven’t experienced the worst,” but this is my experience. I am living it right now—how can I know what the worst even is?

I never knew how to express myself in a way that doesn’t hurt people. Have I hurt you before? Tell me. I thought I was protecting myself, but maybe I was also hurting others without meaning to—and realizing that hurts me more.

Slowing down is something I’ve been trying to learn. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. I can’t pause. I can’t rethink. I can’t step back. I’ve always moved forward without reflecting on how it can affect me and others.

I am trying every day to understand myself better. I am aware—which is a step.

I’ve always leaned on others for comfort—but now, I want to learn how to offer that to myself too. I want to be able to hold myself just like how I would hold my best friends—to be my own safe space.

One thing I know is that I can always try again. Learn from the past and be better for what’s ahead of me. I battle so much inside, and I never know how to get help because I don’t know how to explain to someone what this feeling is. I’ve always kept it in and moved forward like nothing happened—continued the groove of positivity knowing how crushed I am inside.

The thing is, I am quite awful at pretending to be okay. You can see it on my face, in my eyes. I get timid. I stay quiet. It doesn’t take much. But I never know how to fully express what the feeling is. I get cautious about what I say because I never want to be misunderstood—because all I want is to solve it. I do appreciate my friends and family—they know me truly. But I don’t get to tell them everything.

I dislike being a burden to someone. In my head, they already have problems they’re dealing with, and knowing mine would overwhelm them. That’s why I stay clear. But also, sometimes I can’t deal anymore, so I open up—to my mom. She knows when I panic. Her presence calms me. She tells me the truth—the brutal kind of truth—which helps me get back up. She teaches tough love sometimes, and I know why.
If you’re reading this, Mom, I am glad you are my mom. You are my best friend. Even if you weren’t present much during my childhood, knowing you’re here now means a ton to me. I love you more than I love myself, and I’m sorry for disappointing you sometimes. You’ve helped me so much in getting back up. You always tell the truth, and I always look back on everything you tell me.

I know I am strong. I got it from my mom. I’m not failing—I’m just overwhelmed, trying to solve everything all at once. And so, I have to slow down. Learn how to pause, practice honesty within myself, and treat myself with compassion.
When I’m unsure of the right decision, I will base it on my values and accept that I won’t get it right all the time. It’s how I respond to that decision that matters.

And lastly, I don’t have to experience everything alone—and it is okay to ask for help, to talk to someone, or to have someone listen to me. I am never a burden to the people I love.
You’d be shocked by how much your loved ones would do to make you feel better, to help you get back to who you truly are—because you are a blessing.

So slow down.