3/22/2025

I woke up today at 8:16 a.m. with my phone in hand right on the dot. I know I shouldn’t be doing that because it doesn’t set my day right. I don’t have work today, so I thought this was a great day to spend time with myself. Go out to a coffee shop, have some matcha, walk around downtown with sunglasses on that I just bought yesterday. I got up at 10:00 a.m. (shocker) and got ready for the day. I did my usual routine in the bathroom, and then I put on a tiny bit of makeup. With my outfit I repeated from last week—wearing my usual Old Navy jeans and a blue-and-white striped blouse—I sleeked my hair into a bun, wore my usual jewelry stack, and then put on my brown coat. A very comfy outfit indeed, but to top it off, I wore my Uggs.

When I was all dolled up, I took a second and realized, where the heck am I even going, and what am I going to do today? My cute ass did not plan ahead for what I was off to do today. Luckily, my sister was in the area for her hot yoga class. When I called her, she was at the Farmer’s Market, and I said, “Perfect, I am going there as well.” I brought my laptop and charger with me so I could continue setting up this website and maybe journal or read too. When I arrived, we only had 20 minutes to spend together since she was going to catch the next yoga class. Did I tell you the reason why she was at the market? It was because she was late for the first class.

Anyway, she got some sweets, and I bought myself two triangle Gimbaps from this Korean pop-up. Have you tried that? It is the best thing ever! If you haven’t, you should, and I recommend trying the Tuna Mayo flavor. We walked around for a bit and found a bench to sit on. My sister later left to catch the bus, and I was left still eating both my Gimbaps. I then decided to walk to my favorite coffeehouse, which was a five-minute walk, and of course, I got their hot matcha latte with oat milk. I only sat there for a few minutes. Why? Do you ever get those feelings where you feel so fidgety and can’t stand being in that place? I got that, so I left.

When I was walking, I did not know where I was going. I was thinking of going to Starbucks so I could also charge my laptop since it was only a short walk away. Or going to the restaurant I work at so I could hang with my friends there. Or running an errand where I had to drop my clothes at Plato’s Closet. Or just going back home to chill out. Mind you, it was 2 degrees out, and I was only wearing a thin coat. I couldn’t wait for the bus, so I just took a car to go back home.

Driving back, I suddenly got overwhelmed by everything that had happened in my life. I am a post-grad student with no line of work relating to my diploma, no full-time job whatsoever, living paycheck to paycheck, recently gotten out of a relationship, and moving to a bigger city. As soon as I came into my room, I just started crying and talking to myself. I just felt like I haven’t done anything right since I graduated. I feel sorry for myself and for my mom because I know I can do better and that I have potential, but I am not pushing myself at all. There are opportunities for me, and I just don’t look for them because I tell myself that some of those things do not make me happy. I am so lost in my own little world with no concern, when in reality, I should be putting myself out there more—meeting new people, volunteering, making new experiences, applying for another job, etc.

Am I lazy? Honestly, maybe I am. The fact that I know opportunities won’t just appear in front of me, yet I still don’t take action to become better. But I don’t know what’s stopping me. Am I blind? I’m still living in a fairy world, I think. I am in my early 20s, and if I’m being honest, I just want to live and be happy. But with the world I live in, that is just not the case. I have to work to live and get multiple jobs to survive. I feel like I am complaining now, but that is not my intention. I still have so much to learn, and this is just the beginning.

I also called my mom whilst crying, and what she said hurt me, but it was the truth. I wasn’t moving my ass to get ahead. I wasn’t researching schools to maybe go back again. I wasn’t applying for another job, hence why I am struggling to get groceries every week. Instead of saving money, I am buying matcha lattes, books, trinkets—just blindly tapping my card on machines, not realizing the consequences of not being able to pay my rent—and then I complain afterward that I am broke? What a joke! I need to stop acting out and be intentional with everything that I do. Because who gets affected at the end of the day? No one but myself.

I define myself as a hypocrite—I won’t lie. I have no one to depend on but myself, and I have to get going, staying humble whilst doing so, and taking care of my well-being because my body is my temple.